Everything's Funny To Someone.
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| Write That Down Everything's Funny To Someone. |
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Thursday, July 31, 2003 Ever get that gnawing sense that you should be worried about something? That maybe there's an issue in your life that has been bothering you, or that you need to make a phone call you don't want to make, or you feel guilty about something but aren't quite sure what at the moment? I have that feeling right now, like I'm forgetting to do something but I'm remembering I'm forgetting but I can't remember what it is I forgot. This feeling, however, is similar to the feeling I get when I have just a little bit of soda left in the can, so I guess I shouldn't worry too much. Must...finish...soft drink... posted by ben | 12:46 PM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 30, 2003 New Euphemism for Poo Seabiscuit posted by ben | 2:50 PM | (0) comments Tuesday, July 29, 2003 Upon finishing Orwell's Animal Farm Yes, but what happened to Snowball? posted by ben | 2:33 PM | (0) comments Monday, July 28, 2003 On Shakespeare's Words, digestion of: Barry Kraft, dramaturg for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, upon examining a wormhole in the 300 year old First Folio: "The tiny worm eats its way all the way through 'Cymboline,' which is pretty indigestible anyway." posted by ben | 12:22 PM | (0) comments Friday, July 25, 2003 From the Stop The Elderly dept. Another old guy plows through a farmer's market injuring dozens, blemishing the good driving record of old people everywhere. posted by ben | 4:00 PM | (0) comments The last dream this morning was me, waking up from a long sleep, stumbling around tired and knowing that I slept for a long time, say a year in duration. Then I actually woke up and realized I was late for work. posted by ben | 2:32 PM | (0) comments Thursday, July 24, 2003 Pat Cashman returns later next month for a new morning show on KJR. I wonder if they're hiring... posted by ben | 9:42 AM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 23, 2003 I mean well... But today I did an evil thing. I saw something happen and I did nothing to stop it. And, what's worse, I benefitted from it all. It went down like this: I'm in line at Starbucks, eyeing a cookie. The PYT behind the counter was having an in depth discussion with her boyfriend or brother or whoever. The transaction is complete, but they keep chatting away. I'm standing in line, looking at my wristwatch that's not there and otherwise acting impatient. I need to get back to work soon, just came down for a cookie and a coffee. She finally notices me and pushes her boyfriend aside, asking what I want. I saddle up to the counter, tell her I want a tall carmel frappuccino and a cookie. She totals it up on the register and I hand her my card. She then continues talking to her boyfriend as she punches more buttons on the register and swipes my card through the debit reader, then gets my cookie. One of two other baristas making drinks shouts out "VENTI CARMEL FRAPPUCCINO!" as she sets the drink on the counter. The other one asks what's next. My cashier girl then says, "Grande vanilla latte (referring to boyfriend's drink) and venti carmel frappuccino." Hm. No, I ordered a tall, not a venti. I sign the receipt, seeing that I was charged for the tall, and handed it and the pen back to her with a smile. "Thanks," I say and move over to the Pick Up Here counter. "GRANDE VANILLA LATTE!" the barista yells. Boyfriends gets up from the big comfy chair and grabs his drink. "VENTI CARMEL FRAPPUCCINO!" she then yells. I hang back a couple seconds, making sure nobody else is making a move just in case I've judged the situation completely wrong. Nobody flinches, so I grab the extremely tall see-thru cup and straw and head out the door. Like taking candy from a baby. A multi-billion dollar corporately dominating baby. posted by ben | 4:14 PM | (0) comments Tuesday, July 22, 2003 On Tanning I don't tan. And I'm not saying that in an "I don't tip" or "I don't kick monkeys" kind of way. I've tried tanning and failed miserably. For me, tanning is something other people can do really well, but I just can't seem to grasp. Like math. Perhaps it's that I haven't studied enough. On the rare occasion I'm thrown a pop-quiz like a day at the beach, I'll inevitably end up forgetting to carry the one (the one being, in this instance, sunblock). I'll fail miserably, receiving a sunburn as punishment (which just peels off and I'll be white again, needing to start over from scratch). It's for people like me they invented pocket calculators and SPF 40. posted by ben | 5:24 PM | (0) comments Friday, July 18, 2003 Doctor Logic "Do you smoke?" "No." "Use drugs?" "No." "Drink to excess?" "No." "Walk out into traffic?" "No." "Stare directly at the sun?" "No." "Lick 9V batteries?" "No." "Taunt happy fun ball?" "No." "Pick at scabs?" "No." "Drink paint thinner?" "No." "Poke Sonya's bellybutton?" "No." "Slowly reach for a dog's food?" "No." "Bite the wax tadpole?" "No." "Chop your fingers off with a butterknife?" "No." "Steal a biker's girl?" "No." "Tease the tall?" "No." "Pour hot wax in your ears?" "No." "Pour hot wax in someone else's ears?" "No." "Trip the light fantastic?" "No." "Litter?" "No." "Loiter?" "No." "Download porn on your work computer?" "No." "Use mildew remover in cold, damp places?" "N-no." "Put hair gel on a cat?" "No." "Use a blowdryer in the tub?" "No." "Rub until it burns?" "No." "Eat an entire box of antacid tablets in one sitting?" "No." "Stick needles in your eyes?" "No." "Drink coffee?" "Yes." "Okay, don't do that." posted by ben | 11:05 AM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 16, 2003 Of all the artists out there I don't understand, Andy Warhol ranks near the top in the "Why is he so goddamn famous?" category. posted by ben | 4:59 PM | (0) comments Can a photograph of a Van Gogh be considered contemporary art? posted by ben | 4:31 PM | (0) comments Proprietary Ownership Metallica sues over independent band's usage of the E and F chords. In a related story, George Carlin now gets a nickel everytime someone repeats a punchline. **update** It's all a hoax! Don't believe everything you read! Someone's standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU! posted by ben | 12:41 PM | (0) comments Monday, July 14, 2003 Drunken Fork Every time I order the number 3, they give me chop sticks. I like the chop sticks. I've become quite good at them too, and view the separating of the sticks from each other as a ritual before eating, a ribbon cutting before the new styrafoam city hall is open for the public. Today, they didn't give me any chop sticks. I didn't notice this either until I had gotten back to my desk. I scoured the coffee room looking for some, but the closest thing I could find were flat wooden coffee sticks. Yes, I used them. No, they didn't work. So I fell back on the fork. It felt awkward and cumbersome. I fumbled the chicken around, tossed the salad a bit too far, poked holes in the styrofoam. I actually didn't know how to eat my lunch with a fork. I'm sure, however, that this applies only to the number 3. With some linguini al salmone from the Expensive Italian Restaurant Down The Street, I'm a fork master. posted by ben | 12:54 PM | (0) comments Friday, July 11, 2003 More Friday Humor co-worker: We haven't baby-proofed our house, yet. me: Do you have a problem with babies breaking in? posted by ben | 10:40 AM | (0) comments Thursday, July 10, 2003 Had an extended dream sequence last night. All three volcanoes in Seattle erupted at the same time and ash was tidal-waving through the streets. I was at work, trying to contain the mass hysteria (mainly my own), when I watched Mt. Rainier shake off its Eastern slope, billowing grey ashy clouds into the sky. At work today, I'm looking at the mountain thinking I knew which side was the Eastern side in my dreams. Cool. posted by ben | 10:00 AM | (0) comments My desk has a lovely view of the Large Internet Reseller's roof. I just watched a guy climb over the far ledge, gingerly lower himself, then disappear completely. I hear no sirens. Must've been a window washer. posted by ben | 9:55 AM | (0) comments Monday, July 07, 2003 Rule of success number 54.3: Do not offer up "sauerkraut" as an answer to the question, "What are other German desserts?" during a working lunch. posted by ben | 3:03 PM | (0) comments Ahead of the curve, missed the turn Heard a pretty funky jazz tune on the radio yesterday, so today I bought a "best of" collection containing that song ("Cissy Strut" by The Meters, case you wanna know). I'm thinking I'm all cool because I'm "discovering" this old school R & B group from the mid-seventies - when, after listening to it, I discover that one of the tracks was covered by one of my favorite alternative rock groups ("Tippi-Toes" by Primus, case you wanna know). I thought the name sounded familiar. posted by ben | 11:23 AM | (0) comments Thursday, July 03, 2003 Spider in my Pants! Pulled out of the parking lot yesterday and noticed a small whitish-grayish spider sitting on the sunvisor. At the first stop light I grabbed the owner's manual out of the glove box and as the spider started walking towards me I pressed the book against the sunvisor and twisted and pressed, hoping to kill the little beastie. I'm not opposed to killing spiders. In fact, I've become quite the bounty hunter in my house. The light turned green and I took the manual away from the visor, hoping to see the remains of the arachnid, but instead the little thing just started descending towards my head. I tried to bat it out the window (realizing at this point I was drifting into the other lane), but the breeze pushed it back in, and it landed on the seat by my hip and disappeared. All I could think of after that was how unsuccessful I am at killing spiders while driving a car, and that there's possibly now one in my pants. posted by ben | 11:47 AM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 02, 2003 Strange Compliment me: [seeing co-worker walk upstairs] Hey, man. co-worker: [exasperated] Ben, why don't you go work in accounting? me: They don't like me either. posted by ben | 11:38 AM | (0) comments |
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