Everything's Funny To Someone.
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Wednesday, July 31, 2002 Lesson Learned, part one: If a pen makes it through the wash without getting ink on your clothes, immediately throw it away. Do not attempt to use it. Lesson Learned, part two: Soapy water will clean that ink stain off the floor just fine if you hurry. posted by ben | 1:10 PM | (0) comments Monday, July 29, 2002 I realized I was on auto-pilot the other day when I replied, "You too" to the lady at the Currency Exchange office when she said, "Have a nice trip." posted by ben | 11:49 AM | (0) comments co-worker: Ben, you know that invite for the important lunch meeting with all the VPs you just sent out? me: I changed it. co-worker: You sent it for September second? me: I just sent an update for a different date. co-worker: September second? Because you know- me: I know, I just sent an update. co-worker: You know that that's Labor Day. me: Yes, I realized that. And thanks for letting the whole office know. posted by ben | 9:58 AM | (0) comments Friday, July 26, 2002 Everyday I read The Seattle Times, The Seattle PI, the Weekly, the Stranger, the News of the Weird, The New York Times, The Washington Post, the Drudge Report, a couple dozen web journals and comedy sites, a web comic, a handful of message boards, meeting minutes, agendas, memorandums, bank statements, travel itineraries, word a day calendars, seminar program listings, MS Project training books, financial reports, magazine subscription renewals, CD liner notes, group calendar listings, safety manuals, Paris guide books, department summaries, project updates, and a couple hundred e-mails. I shouldn't feel so bad when it takes me two months to read a book. posted by ben | 11:51 AM | (0) comments Thursday, July 25, 2002 From the Washington Post Martha Stewart to investors: My company is not about me. Of course it's not. That's why you called it Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. Letterman says it best: "It was so hot today, Martha Stewart was seen doing her insider trading outside." posted by ben | 1:45 PM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 24, 2002 From the Anchorage Daily News, brought to my attention by News of the Weird: To deal with the city's mounting dog litter problem, officials in Anchorage, Alaska, proposed in May to help call recalcitrant dog owners' attention to the problem by squirting a dab of peanut butter on each pile of dog poop in the parks and on sidewalks. (The idea is that owners would more conscientiously clean up so that their own dogs would not be tempted to try to eat the peanut butter.) I don't know about you, but all the dogs I've ever known have never needed any peanut butter prompting. posted by ben | 12:56 PM | (0) comments Tuesday, July 23, 2002 My CPR/First Aid manual reads like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel: If the victim is not breathing, do you... -administer abdominal thrusts? Go to page 5 -give 2 rescue breaths? Go to page 3 posted by ben | 9:21 AM | (0) comments Monday, July 22, 2002 On the evening news last night, they reported a story about a man who committed suicide at the new Seahawks Stadium by jumping from one of the outer ramps to the parking lot below during the public fanfare opening celebrations. In the next commercial break, there was a spot advertising Seahawks season tickets. It shows a player and a security guard at the Stadium late one night, playing "football" with little plastic figurines on a miniature stadium mock-up. The player then sticks an opposing figurine into an electrical pencil sharpener, shearing off its upper torso. Oops. posted by ben | 11:15 AM | (0) comments My friend Tricia recently gave me a picture she took of me last year. It's enough to make me want to write a book just so I could use this as my "author's picture". posted by ben | 10:23 AM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 17, 2002 I'm the exact opposite of a hypochondriac, but I can't quite remember the name of a person who doesn't take seriously any physical ailments. Oh yeah, that's it: Male. posted by ben | 3:15 PM | (0) comments Tuesday, July 16, 2002 I don't care what happens to baby orphaned orcas anymore. posted by ben | 4:24 PM | (0) comments Monday, July 15, 2002 What a great time to have a 401(k). Also, the Euro surpassed the Dollar, making my Paris vacation next month more expensive. posted by ben | 3:47 PM | (0) comments Friday, July 12, 2002 Unusually high marks on an officer's Sargeant's test prompt allegations of cheating. It's hard to decide who to root for here. On the one hand, you have the possibly unscrupulous officer trying to bypass the system to garner more power. On the other hand, you have an organization suspicious of anybody with a fair amount of intelligence wanting to become a police sargeant. posted by ben | 12:29 PM | (0) comments You have to understand, I don't even notice it when my hair is different. posted by ben | 12:08 PM | (0) comments Thursday, July 11, 2002 I still hold true to my belief that John Lennon is not a logo. posted by ben | 11:35 AM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 10, 2002 My problem is that I think everything's a dirty joke. someone else: Nice weather today. me: Whoa, it SURE IS nice! Heyhey! posted by ben | 3:55 PM | (0) comments Tuesday, July 09, 2002 I get carded more often after a couple days of not shaving. I guess if it looks like I'm trying to appear older, the more suspicious I become. posted by ben | 4:57 PM | (0) comments If something is memorized, we say that we know it "by heart". posted by ben | 2:18 PM | (0) comments From the Motivational Speaker Out On Parole dept. If I've touched just one of you tonight, it means that the rest of you ran too fast. posted by ben | 1:23 PM | (0) comments Candace Bushnell, the author of the novel Sex and the City - from which the HBO series is based - got married on July 4th, 2002. In honor of that, HBO is renaming the series Not Tonight I Have A Headache and the City. posted by ben | 11:50 AM | (0) comments Monday, July 08, 2002 An aluminum bra by designer John Galliano made its debut on a Paris runway recently. You thought it hurt chewing aluminum before... posted by ben | 5:25 PM | (0) comments Michael Jackson claims Sony Records CEO is racist. I'll understand this more when I figure out which race Michael is referring to. posted by ben | 5:07 PM | (0) comments My college diploma is the most expensive thing I own. posted by ben | 11:27 AM | (0) comments Friday, July 05, 2002 Saw an ad for Monk in an Entertainment Weekly, and thought of the Jonathan Lethem novel with a strikingly similar premise - the movie rights of which have been sold with Edward Norton attached to play the lead. Another instance of the entertainment industry's Law of Twos. posted by ben | 10:35 AM | (0) comments Wednesday, July 03, 2002 From the Black Kettle dept. Inspired by flamingbanjo: Following the backlash of San Francisco's Ninth Circuit Court banning the Pledge of Allegiance in schools because it contains the words "under God," the California Atheist who originally filed the lawsuit has been receiving hostile telephone calls and death threats from Christian extremists, saying he is no better than John Walker Lindh and the Taliban. The Christians have a point about the Taliban being no good - what with it being based on an absolute monotheistic religion condemning and threatening the lives of those who don't worship their god and all. posted by ben | 9:39 AM | (0) comments Monday, July 01, 2002 I think Ultimate Frisbee was invented by some lonely guy who just didn't have anybody to play frisbee with. posted by ben | 2:32 PM | (0) comments From the Alarming New Trend dept. A contract firefighter is accused of starting the massive Arizona fire in hopes of creating work for himself. This the second time this season that an official in charge of preventing fires has been accused of starting them (last month, a forestry technician admitted to unintentionally starting the 100,000 acre Colorado fire). posted by ben | 9:41 AM | (0) comments |
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