Write That Down

2010-02-25T23:17:00.001-08:00

This Blog Is Over

It was funny while it lasted.

2008-09-08T17:28:00.001-07:00

On Injuries and Pants

Nothing reminds you more of a scraped knuckle than having to reach into the front pocket of tight jeans for your keys.

2008-06-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

On Meaning

her: I've stopped drinking coffee.
me: Good lord, why?
her: It makes me break out.
me: Like, into song?

2007-11-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

It's A Fat World After All

Apparently, fat people are breaking Disneyland.

Official Disney PR will probably state that the most annoying ride on earth is closing for "routine maintenance and planned upgrades", but rumor has it that the show can't go on because Americans, on average, weigh 25 pounds more today than they did 40 years ago, and that the fiberglass boats keep bottoming out.

Ha!

2007-08-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

Web 2.0 Illustration

From the Star-Telegram in North Texas, where a spider web has been discovered to have blanketed 200 yards along a nature trail:

There have been heated Internet discussions among experts that the webs were constructed by social cobweb spiders, which work together, or perhaps a mass dispersal where the arachnids spin webs to spread out from one other.

2007-08-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

If somebody else said this first, I had no idea

"We put the 'barf' back in bar food."

2007-08-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons why my job is interesting

I get to say stuff like this: "We can DIY the DVDs for the PME."

2007-08-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

Secret Squirrel Power

From this story in today's Times:

"[Adult squirrels] have a protein in their blood that allows them to survive the snake venom."

How long until that protein is extracted, synthesized, and sold?

2007-07-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

Agua Fine

Big news this week about PepsiCo's decision to alter the labels of their Aquafina brand bottled water to inform buyers that the water comes from public water sources and not from some great mountain spring.

It's tap water, essentially, but is this news?

I buy bottled water pretty much every day. I don't buy Aquafina or Coca Cola's Dasani, or even Talking Rain Air Water even though their bottle design makes me want to. I buy the generic brand water since I get the most water for the least amount of money - usually about 1 liter for under a dollar.

And it probably comes from the tap too, but I don't care.

As long as it's filtered.

"Purified" they call it, but filtered essentially.

I'd drink the water out of the tap at work, but I'd rather spend the money to get a product that's not copper colored and nasty tasting.

This "it's tap water" outrages some people, like they only allow the most pure spring water to wash their xanax down with. I say as long as it doesn't taste like the 90 year old pipes in my buiding, I'll drink it.

2007-06-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

We Write The Headlines So You Won't Have To

Actual headline in the Seattle Times regarding Fremont's Solstice Parade:

Skin is in, Bush is out at Fremont party

2007-06-08T17:03:00.001-07:00

It's the Hizzilton

Just think of all the gangsta' cred Paris will have acquired once she gets out of the slammer.

I'm seeing a whole new career for her.

2007-05-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

From the Horrible Offence dept.

Three guesses as to what case these quotes from the presiding judge are from:

"This is the kind of offense that cannot be tolerated in our society."

"I can't think of another case in 25 years that there's been so much obstruction of justice."

"The guidelines as they are written don't begin to approach the seriousness of this case."

And the first two don't count.

2007-05-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

From the Practical Advice dept.

co-worker: I can't find a lawyer anywhere.
me: Just make ambulance noises.

2007-05-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

From the 50% Less Sugar dept.

Last night at dinner.

server: Can I start you off with some drinks?
me: I'll have a coke, please.
friend: My treat today. Get whatever you want.
me: Okay. Make that a diet coke.

2007-04-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

From the Headlines That Make You Laugh dept.

Man shoots self in foot with stolen gun

Har har!

2007-04-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Police bust tomato grow operation in Pullman apartment

When tomatoes are outlawed, only outlaws will have tomatoes.

2007-04-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

Theater Geek

Not so much "The Actor's Nightmare" dream last night as it was "The Actor's Annoyance".

I'm reading all my lines off stage from an iPod, when suddenly it crashes and I have to improvise the scene while I shuffle around in the dark looking for a current script.

I finally find one and settle back down again to continue the scene, when the actor on stage stops the play, says he doesn't have a script, walks off, and grabs mine.

Now I have to do the same thing all over again.

That was the annoying part.

2007-03-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Achoo! It's damp!

While cruising through The Seattle Channel's videos, I came across a show I did a couple years ago for the Northwest Film Forum.

Click here to watch "Birds in Winter". (you need Real Player installed, sadly)

It's about nine minutes in, but you should also check out the film before it - "Rent's Due".

This show holds a special place in my heart because it was the Film Forum's last official show in the Little Theatre on 19th, before their move to their new digs on 12th.

That, and my duet with Anne on "Gift Certficates".

2007-03-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

From the How To Keep Your Tree dept.

Stormy January knocked down just about every single section of Mr. House's backyard fence. We've notified our property manager, but in the meantime we had to get our fence out of our neighbor's yard.

Although it's been pointed out that the effect of tying up the fence appears as if we're holding the tree captive.

Which I'm fine with. Stupid tree.

2007-03-08T01:06:00.001-08:00

From the Ways to Confuse Your Dog dept.

Welcome to the first ever YouTube video posted to Write That Down. Grab some whisky and make a toast.

Saw this on Craig Ferguson's show tonight, and holy crap is it funny.

2007-03-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

Tunnel-making machines are boring.

In other news, the U.S. mint mistakenly separates church and state.

2007-03-05T23:39:00.000-08:00

Sound Your Gong

Ever since my car stereo was jacked, it's become habit to turn the tunes down when I pull into my neighborhood.

What I have to learn also is to curb my singing as well, lest my neighbors hear me singing along to the Spin Doctors.

2007-02-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

The DVR Myth

The New York Times (taken from the Seattle P-I, of course, so you don't have to sign in) wrote recently about how DVR users are not fast forwarding through commercials as much as the advertisers have feared.

Say what you want about "who watches the watchers" in this case, but I think they have it all wrong. They make a couple good points about the whys (people can't be bothered, they like the commercials, or they tune in at showtime so can't fast forward anyway), but then there was this:

TiVo has found that its customers view the last commercial in a break the most, followed by the first commercial.

In editing, this is called a handle. The reason they're viewing these commercials is because they don't want to miss a second of the show they're watching.

Regardless, because of this new data, the advertisers might now push the networks to shorten the commercial breaks during shows (yay!), but make them more frequent (boo!).

And, as a final note, I'm just going to completely ignore the fact that this study is by the Nielson Co. The company that is responsible for measuring a show's viewership and allowing the networks to charge more and more to place an ad in any given half-hour. A company which might, theoritically of course, be in the pocket of the networks who don't want to lose that all important ad revenue.

2007-02-12T01:59:00.000-08:00

To Sleep, eh?

I often joke about how, as an adult, one often doesn't have the same aversion to sleep as children do. Seems foreign to not want to go to bed after the age of, say 14.

Which is why it's especially frustrating to have the chance to sleep, and not be tired. It's not insomnia, as that's a diagnosable (diagnosable?) medical condition. It's just that I'm not tired.

Got lots of sleep last night, so now at 2am, I struggle to sleep.

And it's just damn maddening.

2007-01-26T13:42:00.000-08:00

In Seam

Ever notice that on a pair of blue jeans, the outside seam changes direction on one leg? Go ahead, feel the outside seams on your blue jeans.

See?

Why does this bother me?

2007-01-24T19:45:00.001-08:00

Somewhere along the "new" blogger line, they've gotten rid of the "republish archives" function.

At least I think they have, though I'd be hard pressed to tell you where all my archives went.

2007-01-01T21:39:00.001-08:00

Vicki Vale had it coming

The best tail end of a conversation I've had in awhile was treated to the patrons of the Taco del Mar as John Galt and I walked in for a food unit last week:

me: Are you saying that mentally maladjusted people can't sustain meaningful relationships?
JG: No. I'm saying Batman can't.

2006-12-05T06:55:00.000-08:00

Hershey's Milk Chocolate (with Almonds)*

The Amazon.com personal recommendation list is amazing. I mean, they've nailed what sort of DVDs I'd want, because I've already bought them from amazon.com.

2006-08-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

Find Out Who They Really Are

I think the only reason I'd get a MySpace page is so I can say that Mike Doughty is a "friend" of mine.

2006-05-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

Oh No You Di'in't

At the Space Needle this past weekend for a prom shoot. The view was spectacular, looking out over downtown and Elliott Bay. We started setting up, and as the background was unrolled over the window, I thought wouldn't it be great if we brought a background of the Seattle skyline?

And you know what? It totally was.

2006-04-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

From the You Said What? dept.

I can stick my foot in my mouth so well I should be in the circus.

2006-04-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

Exerpt from a conversation on a movie set last Saturday

me: Zombie movies are awesome.
She: I don't like zombie movies.
me: You're undead to me now.

I'm so freaking clever it hurts!

2006-02-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

True Artists

First off, MC Hammer's blog is a blog of note today: http://mchammer.blogspot.com (careful clicking - there's an obnoxious embedded music clip).

It appears legit, if not by Hammer himself, then at least by someone from his entourage - if he can still afford one, that is. I've heard he's had money troubles the past, oh, decade or so.

Secondly, I always thought his name was spelled Carl Castle, but after downloading the podcast for Wait Wait Don't Tell Me I see that his last name is spelled "Kasell".

This changes everything.

2006-01-20T11:03:00.000-08:00

Quotable Quote

"She is so user friendly."

Tim Gunn on Olympic Skater Sasha Cohen on his podcast for 1/18/06.

2005-12-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

Wha-huh?

I bought a Gift Card from a Big Clothing Chain as a Christmas gift for a relative, and received a gift receipt - good for in-store credit only.

2005-12-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas Cheers!

Out shopping today at one of the area's local large-ass malls. Parking's a pain because everyone thought to take today off to buy their Christmas goodies. Oh joy.

Trolling around the back forty of the mall, I finally find a spot. It's marked "compact", and although the goose isn't a large car, it's not the most compact either. I finally am able to place the burgandy beast into the stall, no thanks to the awkwardly parked Toyota with its wheels on the dividing line. I squeeze out of my door, holding it tight so as not to ding the offending Corolla, while at the same time cursing whoever parked it like this.

Screw it I think, as I inhale to make myself thinner. Dent their car anyway, the moran.

Good sense gets the better of me, and as I get myself out of the car and slam the door closed, I see a woman approaching from the north with a couple large shopping bags in her hand. She's headed for the Corolla.

"What drunk parked this car?" she says cheerfully as she hits the unlock button on her keychain, chirping her car awake.

I chuckle a little. Okay, crazy lady. You're forgiven. Merry freakin' Christmas.

2005-11-04T18:08:00.000-08:00

SATSUMA!

I was so excited to see the Satsumas in the store - the holidays are finally here. The box of small oranges was the first thing in my cart.

They're gone now. I ate them all.

Which just goes to show you - if you love something, eat it quickly. If it comes back up, it was never meant to be. If it stays down, it's yours forever.

2005-11-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

A Note On Comments

Since shortly after I started this blog, I had comments by BlogBack. It was pretty cool, too.

Now, things have changed. I'm not exactly sure what happened, not exactly sure how to fix it, and to find out I'd have to wind my way through a Yahoo Group and I've already spent about two hours doing that already. Something about internal server changes requiring me to have a login - which I haven't needed before, don't even have one actually because I've used them for so long - and contacting the guy who runs it to get one.

I spend such little time updating this blog anyway that I felt it wasn't worth it, so I'm writing off all previous comments. I removed the old commenting code and enabled blogger's own comment feature.

So have at it.

2005-11-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

We Shall Scrimp And Save

Paul McCartney plays Lake Forest Park.

My whole world just imploded.

2005-11-02T17:02:00.000-08:00

How Do I Know This?

I work with children a lot now, and there's one phrase I use to make them smile that seems to work fairly consistently:

"Mom has stinky feet."

2005-09-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

And Here's Rick With Traffic and Weather

On one of the daily newscasts this morning was a story about a north end barbeque restaurant who was getting flack from the city's historical society because the mural of three pigs on the side of their building didn't jive with code.

After the taped segment, the newscaster remarks only slightly sarcastically, "truly a community in crisis there. We'll be sure to keep you informed on how it all turns out."

I just about snorted my coffee.

2005-09-09T04:55:00.000-07:00

Heavy, Man

I love listening to someone trying to describe to someone else a person who's fat, without saying as much. Especially if they're talking about a woman.

"Who's Sarah?"
"Oh, you know her. She's got sort of shoulder length brown hair. About this tall. Youngish, doesn't wear glasses. Uh, works in AP. Real sweet girl. Kinda shy."
"Huh, I can't picture her."
"She brought those cupcakes to the barbeque last summer, remember?"
"Not really."
"Well, they were gone really quickly."

It's like listening to a white person trying to describe a black man.

2005-09-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

Halcyon Days

Remember when people were talking about indicting Karl Rove for treason?

Good times. Good times.

2005-08-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

The Mummy Of All Natural Disasters

I don't mean to be insensitive or anything, but it amazes me people still get killed in hurricanes.

You know it's coming, get out of the way!

2005-08-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

O Dark Thirty

I'll say this about getting up at 4 in the morning: You don't have to worry about anyone getting into the shower before you do.

2005-08-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

Bustin'

sgnp and I were standing on the southeast corner of 4th and Madison, looking west.

sgnp: Can you believe it?
me: Believe what?
sgnp: Look around. What's missing.
me: The crazy guy who rambles on about the man?
sgnp: Aside from that.
me: No Starbucks.
sgnp: Yeah. Weird.

2005-07-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Moby's Freakin' Brilliant

I'm not in the know about Eminem's ongoing feud with Moby, except that in the one Mr. Nem song I have in iTunes, he "disses" Mr. Moby (why they're cat fighting, I've no idea). He also called him a girl at the 2002 Video Music Awards, apparently.

In response, Moby takes the high road by praising Eminem for his latest anti-war / anti-Bush song, saying he has a newfound respect for him.

Moby also, and here's the brilliant part, said that being mentioned by Eminem in a song, and by having Eminem dress up like him in the video, was "some of the best publicity [he's] ever had."

Bet you anything Eminem stays away from further "dissing" of Moby from now on.

2005-07-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

Decode

This confusing string of words was at the bottom of a spam I recently received:

creosote shaky corruption diego contributor adventurous herpes wristwatch conant weinstein d's bitch cordite adept diabetes gyrate decaffeinate emeriti pigeonberry hovel irrigate lax covet heliocentric funk saran butt preeminent disulfide frog anticipatory catherwood bratwurst confucius cantaloupe einsteinium memo rooseveltian clearwater coup infertile deferrable tarantula burke seeing boeotia atheist require gusto thresh paregoric yeager bogota paperback

I've been staring at it now for about an hour, trying to figure out what it means. If anyone can break this code, I'll be grateful.

I'm thinking of putting it in a song.

2005-07-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

If I were an Onion headline writer...

Oldest Man To Climb Rainier Breaks Own Record, Hip

2005-07-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

More from the imdb.com

I've been restraining myself from reposting interesting or funny tidbits I've read on the imdb lately, but this one made me snort my coffee.

The rock documentary Metallica: Some Kind of Monster is about the heavy metal band's torturous journey through recording a new album while simultaneously going through group therapy to learn how to be good people, as well as being good musicians and rock stars.

On the bottom of the page, if you like this title, the imdb also recommends Airheads.

Ha!

2005-07-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

There Aren't Enough Crickets

I'm part of the Font Makers' union. If we don't get our way, we're going on strikethrough!

2005-07-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

The Latest Blow

San Diego's acting mayor was convicted of taking cash bribes from a strip club owner to repeal the city's "no touching" ordinance.

Michael Zucchet, who became interim mayor over the weekend, was found guilty of conspiracy, extortion and fraud on his first business day in office. He will almost certainly have to resign.

I think he wins the "all time bad first day on the job" award.

2005-07-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

Overheard:

"...so then this obnoxious little pipsqueak started mouthing off to me. I wasn't thinking, I'd had a couple drinks, so I just hauled off and punched the guy square in the nose. He stumbled back and yelped in pain as my friends grab me and we move to the door. I don't know if the police were called, but we figured we'd be better safe than sorry. As we made our way out, he screamed 'I'm gonna have you kicked out of here! Don't you know who my daddy is?' I yelled back, 'I don't give a fuck who your daddy is!' This seemed to irritate him, which I remember enjoying. See, back in those days at Yale, everyone's 'daddy' was somebody, you know?

"Come to find out later that this little pipsqueak was George W. Bush. If only I'd have known..."

2005-07-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

If I Were A Centerfold

Likes: Finding a bag of gummi bears in my cupboard I forgot I had.

Dislikes: People who blame software for their own incompetencies.

2005-07-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

Colonel Clink

I've refused to let myself feel guilty or intimidated, no matter what people think - which is a big step for me.

I'm referring to work's coffee fund.

If I worked for a small company, I would gladly contribute. I drink a lot of coffee.

However, I work for a rather large company - and on top of all of that I'm not receiving any benefits. No medical or dental or paid leave for me.

So I'm taking the coffee as a benefit.

Lady from AP, you can jingle your quarters as much as you want, clink them into the coffee fund jar as loudly as you can, and even vocalize what you're doing while I'm pumping coffee into my mug for the fifth time this morning. You can do all this - I'm not paying.

Deal with it.

2005-07-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Bustin' up a Starbux

Vancouver, WA mayor Royce E. Pollard smashes coffee mugs in a Starbucks.

Is he angry over CEO Howard Shultz's comments concerning Palestine's role in mid-east aggression?

Is he trying to promote more organic fair trade policies?

Is it because he hates Sheryl Crow?

No.

He smashed them because they were collectors mugs for Portland. You see, Vancouver's got a bit of an inferiority complex concerning their larger neighbor to the south, and so the mayor pulled a Jack Nicholson to get his city a little more respect.

Welcome to Vancouver vs. Portland, round 1. Let the games begin.

2005-07-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Tape This Job and Shove It

The Space Shuttle Discovery was damaged on the launchpad today when a window cover fell off and struck insulating tiles near the tail.

No workers were nearby when the window cover fell off and dropped about 60 feet, the space agency said. It was not immediately clear why the cover — which was held by tape — came loose.

Oh, I don't know, perhaps it fell off because it was held on by tape.

"It is utterly crucial for NASA, for the nation, for our space program to fly a safe mission," NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said on the eve of the launch. "We have done everything that we know to do."

I can understand. I sometimes use tape to hold things onto my car, too. I'm no rocket scientist, but these people are! And they're dealing with rockets!

2005-07-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Disfonting

One of these days I'm going to figure out why the font changed.

2005-07-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

Guythink

Supervisor: Good morning, Ben's co-worker. Nice hair cut.
Ben's co-worker: Thanks. Ben didn't notice.
me: It's not that I didn't notice. I just don't care.

2005-06-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

One of the many reasons why I love the imdb.com

From Cary Grant's trivia page:

A reporter in search of information wired Grant's agent: "HOW OLD CARY GRANT?" Grant happened to read the message himself, and wired back "OLD CARY GRANT FINE. HOW YOU?"

2005-06-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

Move Through The Room, Part II

So I wrote a little something about this ex-ambulance driver, and his very curious obituary.

Apparently, so did everybody else, and now the guy is a Van Gogh.

John Galt's employer, a company notorious for underpaying their employees, is now apparently picking up the $4,000 funeral tab for this guy - who was only connected to this stingy employer because they bought out the small ambulance company he did work for.

They're also having an ambulance processional from the funeral home to the grave site. They won't, but they should run him there hammer down with sirens and lights.

Gotta keep life exciting for the dead, y'know.

2005-06-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Monorail! Monorail! Streetcar?

So, after three votes and one denied repeal, the Seattle Monorail might actually hit a roadblock with the Seattle City Council next month due to a number of different issues, the main one today being the city's liability should some construction worker forget to wear his hard hat.

In the meantime, they've enthusiastically approved the South Lake Union Streetcar.

What does this tell me? When it comes to "mass" transit, the City Council's priority is letting rich biotech workers have easy access to the downtown retail core to do some shopping on their lunch break.

2005-06-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Because She Worked So Hard For It

A woman in Kentucky was duped by a radio station promotion into thinking she had won $100,000.00, but instead the grand prize was a 100 Grand candy bar.

So, of course, she's suing for the actual cash money.

I'm split on this issue. On the one hand, I have little to no sympathy for someone who thinks they deserve one hundred large for listening to a radio station for two hours and is the tenth caller. On the other, deceptive promotional stunts like this are pretty weak, no matter how tasty a 100 Grand candy bar can be, and they're pretty sweet, yo.

Luckily for her, the lawsuit is not without merit nor precedence, so she will probably walk away with a hefty payday (har har) - larger than the $5,000 she was initially offered, though probably not as much as $100,000. I'm guessing they settle for 50 grand.

Now here's the funny part. According to the article, before she knew what was going on, she promised her three children that they'd have a minivan, a shopping spree, a savings account and a home with a back yard.

It is Kentucky after all, but a home? With a back yard? And all those other things? For a hundred grand? Less taxes?

Putting her real estate expertise aside, what also makes me chuckle is that she is quoted as saying "nobody would watch and listen for two hours for a candy bar."

I'm going to sheepishly raise my hand here and say, "I would."

2005-06-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Buy Your Kid Some HBO And Watch Him Feed

Am I the only one who thinks that kids who aren't exposed to large amounts of sex and violence on TV and in the movies grow up to be more socially maladjusted than the rest of us?

You have to be desensitised to that stuff to some degree, otherwise how are you going to react when a naked woman on fire attacks you with a butcher knife?

If you ask me it's a question of survival.

2005-06-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

I Move We Accept No More Motions, Any Seconds? Anybody?

The progressive Yelm City Council really impresses me sometimes.

2005-06-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

Don't Have A Mad Cow, Man

co-worker 1: Hey Ben, want a hamburger?
me: Free burger? Hell, yeah.
co-worker 1: Want one, co-worker 2?
co-worker 2: No thanks, I don't want to wear adult diapers.
co-worker 1: Huh?
co-worker 2: I'd rather not become incapacitatedly senile when I get old, if you don't mind.
me: Mind? If you were old, sane, and lucid, you'd realize what a f**ked up place the world has become. At least with CJD, you probably won't care. You might even be a little bit happier in your senility.
co-worker 2: Happier that you have Mad Cow disease?
me: It's the blue pill of the Pepsi generation.

2005-06-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

Move Through The Room

This obituary in the Times is somewhat unusual. A rather lonely less than ordinary ambulance driver's life pared down to its barest of essentials in a column no bigger than a Teatro ZinZanni ad. You want to feel sorry for the guy except for his co-worker's insistence that he lived life the way he wanted to.

But then you come to a paragraph like this:

"He was a super great employee," said [his former employer]. "For his own personal life, he had nothing. His only vice was on pay day he'd blow all his money on women."

Wha-huh? What kinda guy is this? Some loner who lives above the workplace and has a soft spot for prostitutes?

A curious addition to an obituary, but it's not the strangest one I've ever read.

Nothing will ever top Gregory Hemingway's

2005-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's Good To Be The Bank

There's a story in today's P-I about a man named "Smart" who lost $30,000 through check fraud and how his bank has basically shut the vault in his face.

You know, little guy takes on big business stuff. Only in this case big business wins because the little guy signed a 73 page checking account agreement stating he wouldn't take the bank to court to get his money back.

Far be it from me for making fun of the little guy, but: He didn't read the 73 page agreement? Who doesn't read that?

Sucker.

Anyway.

So this guy thought he was protecting himself by having two different accounts: A normal active checking account from which he would pull funds for checks, debit cards, etc., and another secret account where most of his money would lie in state, acting as a reservoir from which he would transfer funds into his active account. A fairly revolutionary idea, except most people have one of these. They're called savings accounts.

So shock of all shocks, an alleged drug using relative broke into this guy's house while he was on vacation, stole some checks that were accidentally printed with the account number of the secret account, and now he's thirty grand in the hole.

Tough luck for the guy, but what I found surprising was why he set up this two-account system to "protect" himself in the first place:

Smart's mess began last summer, when he found an Internet company had charged his checking account twice for the same $20 bill. He didn't want it happening again, so he agreed to the two-account plan.

Which just goes to show it doesn't cost much to lose a lot of money.

2005-06-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Sha-AAARRGGHHH, MY EYES!!!!

I broke my sunglasses this morning as I was walking to work. I can live with that, but it happened in front of my carpool buddy, so all I could do was just say "whoops" and sheepishly shove the shards back into my pocket.

As I drove into my parking garage, I took them off and slipped them into my jacket pocket so I wouldn't forget them. I left them in the car yesterday and of course needed them.

When I got out of the car and pulled them out of my pocket to put them back on, they were bent in the middle. The seat belt must've gotten to them in the pocket, as they weren't shaped like this on my face.

I gently tried to bend them back to normal, and they split in two.

I don't have good luck with sunglasses. The last pair I had self destructed while I was still wearing them. We had just sat down in a restaurant and before I knew it my shades just jumped off my nose in pieces. I still don't know what happened. My best guess was that I was in the cross-hairs of an amateur sniper.

I never used to have bad sunglass luck. In fact, it all used to be the other way around. I had a pair of cheap $8 John Lennon shades I couldn't get rid of no matter how hard I tried. I left them in a customer's car and they returned. I left them in Oregon and somehow they found their way back to me.

I had them so long I couldn't wear them anymore because they were too scratched. Almost three years ago I was in London, and while walking along the Thames near the Tower of London, I threw them into the river.

"There, find your way back now!" I yelled.

I'll let you know when they return. In the meantime, I gotta go buy new shades.

2005-05-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

Never Thought I'd Say This At Work

"As much as I'd love a new spatula, I think I'll take the bag of coffee."

2005-05-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

More Office Fun

[on a conference call with Lisa and her supervisor Tom (meaning, they're on speakerphone in Tom's office) regarding a meeting my boss, Stan, has been asking me to arrange with some important mucks that both Lisa and Tom support. They've called to bitch me out, essentially, and I just got tired of apologizing to them:]

me: Let me see if I can explain myself. Lisa, you told me that Stan called you requesting a third party to attend this meeting as well. This morning Stan said he never called you, so I just want to make sure we're on the same page, because this third party's availability was what we were waiting for in this process, and I wanted to get the ball rolling on this again. Tom, I'm sorry I had to get you involved in this as well, but you see Stan asked me to call you, and of course since he's my boss, I don't ask "how high" when he tells me to jump, I just jump as high as I can. I appreciate you two working on this with me, and I hope you aren't dismayed at me constantly calling and e-mailing you regarding this. It doesn't mean I think you two aren't doing your jobs. The reason I constantly call and e-mail - even though I know it's fruitless - is because if I didn't, it would appear as if I wasn't doing my job. It's how the game is played, you see, please don't take it personally. So calling me up like this next Friday because of an e-mail I'm going to send to you on Thursday asking for an update won't help any. Oh, and by the way Lisa, you actually didn't get back to me on Friday, though you just said you did, which is why Stan asked me to call Tom this morning in the first place, creating this whole mess. Thanks for calling, I'll look forward to speaking with you soon.

2005-05-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

Pan Burns You, Burn The Pan

I burnt my finger last night on the handle of the pan I used to cook chicken with (that's what I get for trying to be healthy). Not a serious burn, nothing that requires medical attention, but a burn nonetheless.

It wasn't very fair. I was done cooking. I had the pan in the sink, I was running cold water on it, and in the process of maneuvering it around that morning's coffee cups and tupperware so it could lay flat and even, I happened to wrap my left index finger around an inch of steel between the handle and the pan itself.

Thing is, I didn't even know that that was there. The safe handle part of the pan doesn't begin until an inch in. What kind of design is this? When I felt my finger begin to fry (or sautee, as the case may be), I pulled back my arm quickly and yelped in surprise, then stuck my finger under the cold tap (and later wrapped it around a cold beer).

It doesn't hurt, and it's not blistering. It's hardly even red, but it feels different from the other fingers. It definitely has a "cooked flesh" texture to it, which is weird.

Feels like chicken.

2005-05-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

Like A Kitten

I don't change my desktop wallpaper very often. In fact, in the two or so years I've had my computer I've changed it only once before - when I finally hooked up the broadband here at Mr. House.

Sunday I changed it for only the second time, when I installed this.

It's pretty. It's so pretty.

2005-05-09T06:57:00.000-07:00

I was asked recently if I considered myself to have my head in the clouds or my feet on the ground. I said I had my feet on the ground, but I'm always miles away.

2005-04-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

I Was Told There Would Be No Math

Best quote left on my voice mail ever:

"I did too much math today, sorry I'm rambling."

2005-04-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

Color Me Shocked

Britney Spears announces she's got a bun in the easy-bake oven.

In a related story: Paris Hilton releases new sex tape over internet to steal back the headlines.

2005-04-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

Rawr!

I'm hardly the biggest geek I know, but I'm excited for Tiger's release in a couple weeks.

It's not like I understand - or will even use - everything that comes with it, but it does mean I can finally get that Production Suite I've been lusting after.

Deeper into debt, here I come!

2005-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Where'd The Clock Go?

I think I need one of these.

2005-04-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

I Am Not An IP Address, I Am A Free Man!

I still have the naive notion that wherever I go on the internet, I'm still just an anonymous clicker, one of thousands, or millions, loading this page or that.

But when a page has an Amazon.com ad on it, with a little box saying "Hello, Ben. Is this site worth a few bucks?" I can't help but feel like my anonymity is now and forever gone, and a little guilty too.

Yes, it's worth a few bucks, but I gotta buy lunch tomorrow, so...

2005-04-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

Real Phone Service

me: Major Company Subdivision whose phones I'm covering while they're all in a meeting because their boss was ushered out of the office by an HR representative yesterday afternoon, this is Ben.
lady: Hi. Give me the number Major Food Grower.
me: I'm afraid I can't do that, I'll need to send you to-
lady: Yes you can. This is Phyllis from Who Cares Where.
me: Oh, I'm sorry. It's not that I'm not allowed to give you that number, it's that I don't have access to that information-
lady: Yes you do. I just need the number for Major Food Grower.
me: Uhm. Hold one moment, please.
lady: Why do you need to put me on hold? Just give me their number.
me: Ma'am, of our hundreds of vendors, I don't have that particular one right in front of me.
lady: Why don't-
me: Shocking, I know,
lady: -you just give-
me: -and the reason I need to put you on hold is so you won't hear me call you naughty body part names while I try to locate this number you want.
lady: Why, I-
me: And chances are I won't have this number anyway because I'm a temp, and I just have minimum network access that just barely allows me to do my job properly, so what's going to happen is that I'm going to look for them online, and if that doesn't work, I'm going to pick up a phone book.
lady: Phone book?
me: Yeah, you remember those? Large yellow paper books with little itty bitty tiny names and numbers in them. Some of them even have pictures. You remember those, right?
lady: I'm-
me: And the reason I'm doing all of this is because, technically, you're a customer, and I'm sitting at this desk because you guys will occasionally call. And although you as a customer may not always be right, you are still a "customer".
lady: What are you-
me: And that's why I'm going to put you on hold, even though you could probably pick up a phone book just as easily and find the number yourself.
lady: Don't worry. I'll find it elsewhere.
me: You sure?
lady: Yes.
me: Okay. Thank you, and have a nice day.

2005-03-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

The Verbing Of America
Or, "Cookies: No Longer Just An Elite Snack."

"You can food bank them, Teresa. Poor people like cookies too."

Yaw!

2005-03-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

No moking In is Bui ding

At the new office:
Visitor: Pardon me. Where are the restrooms?
me: Go down this hall and turn right. Before you get to the stairs, go through the door labelled "NO SMOKING". Then down the hall and through the second "NO SMOKING" door on the right. After that, it's through the "NO SMOKING" door on your left.
Visitor: Thanks.
me: Not at all.

2005-03-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

Irony Clad

You can't read or listen to any sort of mass media today without running into the name of Terri Schiavo in association with her very famous feeding tube.

(And, quite honestly, the term "feeding tube" just plain creeps me out.)

What you're likely to not read in association with any of these stories is that the unfortunate Ms. Schiavo's condition is a result of complications from bulemia.

It's so ironic it hurts.

2005-03-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

Sucks To Be A Vampire Bat

It is being theorized that vampire bats are over-evolved because of their ability to run as well as fly, though their primary prey are cows.

I just think they're lazy.

2005-03-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

St. Paddy's Cake

"Where do you want to go?"
"How about the Elephant and Castle?"
"That's an English pub."
"So?"
"So it's St. Patrick's Day."

2005-03-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

...And Broadway Smiles With You

I saw in the back window of the number 7 on 10th E just past the Roanoke Tavern (where I last saw a college mate of mine who I hear occasionally on NPR giving reports from DC) a hand-drawn and colored sign advising me to, simply, smile.

And I did. Briefly.

Then I smiled again as I pictured the bus driver at the end of his shift reaching to remove it thinking it garbage, seeing what it says, hesitating for a moment, then leaving it there for another day.

2005-02-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

Sour Puss

I'm hooked on Altoids's new "Sours" line. So far I've tried Citrus Sours and Apple Sours. I originally bought them because I thought they were breath fresheners.

But, turns out, it's CANDY.

"It's candy!" I scream when I offer them to someone. "Candy! Hahahahaha!"

I need a soda.

2005-02-22T23:26:00.000-08:00

A Question For The Ages

If I tell a bad joke in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is it still not funny?

2005-02-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

WTF?

Having solved all other problems, the Kitsap County Courthouse has instituted fines for acronym usage.

2005-02-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

Infected Scrape

You don't realize how often you bang your hands against things until you have a cut on your knuckle.

Stupid desk.

2005-02-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hotter Than Florida

Karl Malone to announce retirement on Sun. is how the Yahoo! newsflash listed this headline, which got a chuckle outta me.

Apparently, he's retiring on Sunday, which isn't as funny.

2005-02-10T21:07:00.000-08:00

Goodness Gracious Great Walls of Fire

"Buy me something made in China."
"You can get that from Wal-Mart."

2005-02-08T09:52:00.000-08:00

Hang The Line, Dude

Has anybody else noticed that the Hang Loose gesture is also Mime for "I'm on the phone"?

2005-02-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

Tablature?

I can normally play instruments pretty well in my dreams; drums, guitar, bass, piano. My subconscious teases me by making me think I know what I'm doing when I hold an instrument and bang away.

Last night, as I was reading the tab charts for AC/DC's "Back in Black", trying to re-learn it for Folklife, I came to a point where my index finger was on the first fret and my middle finger had to stretch all the way to the 19th fret.

"This song's impossible!" I cried out, frustrated.

2005-01-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Doughynutts

Is it passe to eat a whole doughnut these days? Even the guys in my office are cutting them in half.

By the end of the day it's a doughnut massacre.

2005-01-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

Meltdown

"I can format your Word document. I can do things with Excel you've only read about in magazines. I can write correspondence that can be published in The New Yorker. But I have a college education, so I refuse to get you coffee."

"What's your degree in?"

[pause]

"Theatre."

"Two sugars, please."

"Dammit!"

2005-01-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

Get Fat

My sugar-free gum package advertises itself as "not for weight control", while my package of Red Vines proudly proclaims that it is "always fat free!"

Always Fat Free.

Are they worried that their customers might sometime down the line accuse them of putting fat in the licorice?

2005-01-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

The End Is Nigh

By pure coincidence, I just happen to glance at my odometer this morning on my way in to work, and watched it roll over to 90,000 miles.

Which means that my car is about to die.

Not because it's got 190 or 290 thousand miles on its tired chassis, but because coincidences have ruled my life as of late, and if the past has taught me anything, it's time to start looking for a new car.

See, a few years ago I was driving my tired Mazda to work one morning and happened to glance down at the odometer and saw it turn over to 70,000. I thought that was cool, so I pulled over into the Renton Library parking lot and took a picture of it.

Less than a month later, I was on the side of the road with a broken car and a blue haired date in the passenger seat.

This tells me that the goose's days are numbered. I'll keep y'all posted.

2005-01-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

Silly Consumer Groups, Trix Are For Kids

This story tells of Kraft
Foods' attempts to curb their marketing of unhealthy snacks towards kids, which is a noble effort seeing as how kids are the primary reason unhealthy snacks exist.

But then there's a pull quote like this:

The new marketing program comes as food companies are facing rising criticism from some consumer groups and others that they are contributing to obesity in children.

Should we blame the makers of the snack foods, or should we blame the parents who buy and allow their fat kids to eat a box of Oreos while watching seven hours of TV a day?

I'm not saying that seven hours of TV and a box of Oreos is bad, not at all. But when you get your kid that PS2 or SpongeBob DVD set for Christmas, get them a bicycle or a skateboard too and force them to use it.

Perhaps I'm just weird, but when I see a little fat kid, I don't get angry at Kraft Foods.

Well, I don't get angry at all, actually. That'd be just silly. I do, however, laugh at the parents who don't want to take responsibility for the health of their child.

Whatever, yo.

Update: The Seattle PI carried this story which has this very peculiar closing paragraph:

Kraft won't cease all advertising of fatty, sugary products such as Lunchables and Pebbles cereal, however -- TV ads for such products will still be seen during adult and family shows such as "According to Jim."

Because when I think of "fat", I think of Jim Belushi.

2005-01-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

Mud Slide Meyhem

From NPR news:
Meanwhile in California, rescuers are using axes and chainsaws to look for survivors in the La Conchita mudslide...

Axes and chainsaws?

"Hey, over here! I've found one! Though the mudslide seems to have ripped a giant, grisly gash in their chest, just like that other one I found."

If I'm ever buried in a landslide, before you ripcord the chainsaw alive try looking for me with a flashlight and some dogs, eh?